25 April 2014

A Tribute.

Heeeyyyyyy...

I hope you hear that to be as awkward and as dragged out as I intended it to be. So, yes, I lied. In my last post I pinky promised I'd be back next week, next week actually turning into 3 months(ish). Apologies for that! Having said that, I'm not actually sure how many people actually read my ramblings, so the reality could be that I'm apologising to my Mum who always reads these things. In that case, sorry Mum!


Apology flowers! Virtual flowers; winning people over since right now!

Truth be told, I'd had a few blog posts lined up but they kept going by the wayside. In my last post (read it here if you are that way inclined) I talked about using films to cope with stress and to make me happy(ish) again. Basically (and this is for my lazy kindred spirits that can't be bothered clicking and reading. Holla!)I thought I'd lost my job and was using films to cheer me up. So what happened in the end was I got an interview, which I considered just a token since everyone else I worked with got one too. I went in totally convinced that I was no way in hell getting the job because they were all waaayyy more qualified, which ended up with me being hired! There's a pro-tip for you there; always be convinced you're doomed to fail and good things will happen! (Not really, that is a joke)

What I hadn't counted on was how VERY DIFFERENT said new job would be and it has been a time of massive adjustment, which isn't always easy for the socially anxious/awkward. It's been a lot of work but I can honestly say I kind of love it there. The people are so kind, helpful and sweet and I feel like I could really settle in. Getting to that stage though took time and I have to admit, I was always too tired to blog BUT I was finally reaching that stage, until other things happened. Well, one thing. 

Now, I'm not sure how I'm linking this to my blog, or even if it is totally exploitative for me to talk about it here but at the same time I can't not talk about it because, well, I just couldn't do that. 

Since I was a kid, my Granny Kells has been a constant figure in my life. To my kid memory, she was the funny, kind and sweet woman who always had Werther's Originals in her handbag and money for the shop. As I grew older she was still that funny, kind, sweet woman but she became so much more. I saw how remarkable and brave she was and the time and effort she dedicated to cheering on every decision we made. Basically, she was one of my favourite people in the world. 
The problem with growing older is that you notice how the people around you age too and that vibrant woman who insisted on walking everywhere and always stopping to sniff the flowers wasn't quite as active as she used to be. Her last few years saw her stuck in a wheelchair and relying on my Mum and carers to do everything for her. Fortunately, her beautiful personality remained intact, and even when she was tired she always had a twinkle in her eye just for us. 

On the 29th March, my phenomenal, kind, funny, supportive Granny passed away. She spent her last weeks on earth with the people who loved her the most, who laughed and joked and told stories about her wonderful life. She was surrounded by the love and laughter she brought to all our lives. 

It's not the first time I have lost somebody, and we knew that she was going to pass on soon, but even with that knowledge I was utterly unprepared. I guess part of me thought that she would bounce back and some how pull through like she had done before. I think i was always convinced that she'd be around forever, which, y'know is impossible, but you'd be astounded at how stubborn a Kells can be! 

There's a hole you feel when someone you love is gone, one that feels like it'll never close over. Granny formed so much of my childhood and was always this incredible woman who could drink more tea than anyone has ever even thought possible, and for her to just be gone doesn't seem real. With living away from home, it's been a little harder to deal with I think. Thankfully my sister was visiting for my birthday when we got the news so we had each other and my wonderful boyfriend who took care of us. Coming back though, and leaving the people who knew and adored Granny, who knew just how fantastic she was, was so difficult. You can try and explain how great a person is to a stranger till you're blue in the face, but until they feel that glow of their love, it can't really be fully explained, can it?

With a Grandparent, it feels as though their passing is expected in a way, so the mourning period should be shorter. I don't know if that's just me being paranoid (it probably is) but I felt this irrational urge to cover up how devastated I was by totally ignoring it. I would laugh and joke, when inside I just felt that gaping, ragged hole. When little old ladies came into work, smiling and beaming at us, I would have to fight the urge to just run away. I'm not sure why I felt like I should try shorten my mourning period to be honest. I guess it's just because I knew that at her age, death becomes even more inevitable. In fairness, I am prone to odd reactions to emotional moments.

We are so blessed that Granny had a long, happy life, and was always surrounded by love, laughter and respect, but the reality is, we would never have been ready to let her go. So this hole I feel, while it may never close, is just a reminder that I was lucky enough to have met and to have been loved, by one of the greatest women I'll ever know.
Always encouraged the literary learning, even in annoying teenagers :)

I am so lucky that my last memory of my beautiful Granny is of her beaming up at me, clutching my hand in her ridiculously tight grip and giving me one of her bone-crushing hugs. I'm glad that I get to hold this memory of her, exactly as I want to remember her, with all the things I loved the most about her.

I know this is a film-y type blog, and I had thought I could somehow--for some mad reason--link this to films but I thought better of it. A woman like Lila Kells deserves a tribute all of her own! 

So, to my wonderful Granny; thank you for the love, the laughter, the support and for believing that we could do anything.

I'll try get back to regular (regular-ish) scheduling asap. I just felt like I couldn't go back to chatting about films and ignore something so massive. Also, I just felt like you should know that my Granny was amazing :). 

Bye lovelies.

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